


SPERO

by nahiwagaan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst?, Atsumu Miya & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, M/M, Pining, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27904186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahiwagaan/pseuds/nahiwagaan
Summary: Kenma and Tetsurou have always been joined at the hips. After all, their relationship has already been written in the stars even before they were born. Polar opposites but spending time together and growing up has always been easy for the both of them, but what happens when one started catching feelings?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	SPERO

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure this kind of prompt has already been done plenty but please allow me to continue. I really intended for this to be just a short story so please do know that the flow will be kind of spotty. I also completely disregarded canon relationships so don't be surprised if characters who have never interacted before are friends here. The story is written mainly in English but the last few parts are in Filipino. Thank you and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> PS: It took me a long time to write a proper blurb 'cause I didn't know what to write without spoiling too much. :)

Kuroo and Kenma have always been best of friends. People have always said they’re inseparable. Why wouldn’t they be? Their mothers were childhood friends and even became college roommates. A promise was made that even after settling down, they will always be together and becoming neighbours was part of that promise.

Once Kenma's mom got pregnant with him, Kuroo’s mom have always told Tetsurou that he should treat his aunt’s unborn child as his little brother. Oh, and that he did. It’s not like he’s an only child, but he has always wished to have a younger brother to play with. It was like a dream come true when his mom uttered those words to him. “Older brother now,” a younger Kuroo stated whilst pointing at himself. “Me,” he added, eyes bright with a wide smile.

Kuroo had always kept the promise he made to his mom when he was younger. They always did things together growing up. Although Kuroo was a year older than Kenma, he never let the younger one feel lonely. He knew that Kenma is very introverted. Socialising and making friends are two of the most challenging things that Kenma wanted to overcome and his best-friend always backed him up when it comes to those things. Kuroo wanted him to break out of his shell, not that he was of help anyway, but he still tried. Still do.

Once Kenma reached high school, he found his love for video games all thanks to Kuroo when the older one dragged him to one of his many “dates” with his crushes. Kenma paid no mind being the third wheel as being a child-chaperone opened his eyes to the world of gaming. “Thanks for bringing me along,” the younger one stated when the two boys were on their way home. “I really had fun.”

It was inevitable for them to grow apart. “It’s part of growing up,” Kenma once said to himself. It wasn’t much of an issue for the little one since they still get to hang out on select weekends when their families gather anyway. He’d be lying to himself though if he says it doesn’t affect him whenever Kuroo cancels on him even on their planned outings. “He’s about to enter uni, AP,” he tells himself. “That’s hella more important than being a companion to buy and play video games with you.”

Once Kuroo entered university and became a representative of their institution’s volleyball team, Kenma never saw his face anymore. Frequent texts, calls and chats became a thing of the past. When people ask him why they never get to see the “brothers” together anymore, he just shrugs. He doesn’t have to satisfy people’s curiosity anyway. “The dude is busy. It’s a given,” he tells his newfound friend. “He’s studying to become an Engineer and playing for collegiate volleyball. He’d have no time to play around with freshmen.”

Knowing all these things— how the older boy works hard, juggling his academics and athletic obligations, it’s no wonder that Kenma always looked up to Kuroo. He’s very proud of him for going after his dreams with no hesitation. Although he wonders how he copes with such a busy schedule. He worries that Kuroo might be pushing himself too hard and wanted to let the person he admires to rest up even for a bit. “You can message him, you know,” Shoyou, Kenma's friend said. “It’s not like you both are strangers.”

Hearing those words from Sho stopped Kenma in his tracks. “Since when did telling Tets to rest up become so hard?” he thought. “Since when did I just become an on-looker? Telling my best friend to rest up shouldn’t be such a difficult task, but why does it feel like it is?”

Kenma wondered when did the two of them drift apart. Did they or didn't they? 'Cause it’s not like they stopped talking. They still do, but the young man with golden eyes realised that those conversations were just niceties. It was a conversation apt for two people not acquainted with each other, and it wasn’t supposed to be like that for them. “Sho,” Kenma spoke out of the blue, staring at the telly with a confused look. The two squirts are college roommates and are currently playing a game on a weeknight. “I’ve got a question.”

Kenma didn’t hear Shoyou ask what’s bothering him, not until the ginger snapped him out of his stupor. _It can’t be, right?_ Kenma thought. “Do you think it’s possible to like a person you considered your brother?”

The bubbly midget put his controller down so he could face Kenma. “Honestly, dude,” he started. “I’ve always thought you liked him that way. So it’s a surprise to me that you just realised that.”

Kenma's face was an unreadable mess when he processed the words that came out of his friend’s mouth. He can’t believe it. What does he mean by he always thought he liked Tets that way? “Huh? What do you mean by that?”

Shoyou let out a loud incredulous sigh, frustrated that his friend is so clueless about his own feelings. “Look, Kenny,” Sho said, running a hand through his unruly hair. “Your whole face lights up when you talk about Kuroo. You talk about him as if he’s your favourite game, and that’s a rare thing for you to do－ it's a human being you're talking about. You’re always so detached when it comes to mundane things, you know. Kuroo and video games are the exception. If that doesn’t scream you like him, then I don’t know what to tell you. You look at him like he’s some god. Like he’s a fragile precious thing that must never be harmed. You are very stand-offish, but when it comes to Kuroo, you’re a different person. Only the people close to you will notice it. You might show otherwise, but your eyes tell a different story.”

“I’m fucked, am I not?” Kenma sighed.

“Yeah, dude,” Sho responded. “Fell in way too deep that there’s no way out anymore.”

A month has passed since Kenma realised his feelings towards his best friend. Did he act on it? Of course not. Did he try to message his best friend at all? Yes, but to no avail. Tetsurou almost always cancels their plans last minute. There's nothing new about that, but the petite gamer never complained about it. He knows the athlete’s always busy. There’s even one instance when Kuroo sent Kenma his jam-packed schedule, and Kenma just sighed as he didn’t know what to say after receiving the file. “Take care of yourself, you idiot,” Kenma replied back.

“That’s new, Kenken,” Kuroo responded. “But don’t worry, I always do. I’m really sorry I had to cancel again. I’ll make it up to you this Saturday, alright?”

Kenma never once thought that he’d have a chance of entering a relationship with his best friend. He isn’t like that. He never even wanted that. He’s already very content of being Kuroo’s friend and being his support system, but he’d be deluding himself if he says he isn’t hopeful of their plan for next Saturday. After all, it is his birthday.

It has been months since they last hung out by themselves outside the confines of their family’s home. It’s very evident that the young-in’s very excited about this outing with his best friend. Kenma isn’t the type to sleep and wake up early, but for this day, he did both. He even made an effort to wear his best clothing, even styled his boxed-blonde hair. _It’s so unlike me to exert this much effort,_ Kenma thought to himself. _But it’s Tets I’m meeting, so this is nothing_.

Their agreed meet-up time is at 1PM on their favourite park near their childhood homes. It’s just half past 11 but Kenma's already on his way. He didn’t even notice his family greeting him a happy birthday while he’s on his way out. All he could think about is he finally got the chance to spend time with his beloved friend. His nerves are a wreck though— he’s feeling very anxious but also very excited. _Nothing will ruin this day,_ he thought. _As long as I get to spend this day with my best friend._

Kuroo planned their day to the T so he could make it up to Kenma. He knew he was lacking. He knew of his shortcomings towards his best friend and he’s aware of how much he neglected him. He felt sorry whenever he had to cancel on him, but his best friend always assured him that it’s okay and that their plans weren’t big of a deal anyway.

He rolled his windows down to ask Kenma to get inside his car as it’s very hot and humid outside. When the little one entered his car, he took notice of how much his friend’s features changed. There were a lot of new things about him that he didn’t know and he just became more apologetic. “Tets, wow,” Kenma exclaimed. “I didn’t know you bought a car. It looks pretty and clean. That's new.”

 _Oh. I never told him about this?_ Kuroo asked himself. “Yeah, got it a while back. It’s been a year, I think? I thought I said it in passing. I’m sorry.”

Kenma felt a sharp pain in his chest but he tried his best to drown out his thoughts. He offered Kuroo a smile and started looking through the dashboard to at least alleviate the awkwardness in the air. “Did your family buy this for you?” he asked. “I-I don’t mean to pry. I just never heard Auntie talk about it.”

The boy who kind-of resembled a cat focused his attention to the things he found inside the dashboard and the cars beside them to distract himself. He has a lot of things he wanted to ask his best friend, but if a simple inquiry like this made the mood sour, he’d rather not to. He’s even feeling a rising bubble inside him that’s making him regret asking the question. He was about to apologise when he heard Kuroo chuckle. “Uh, no, they didn’t. They don’t even know I bought one,” the tall man driving stated, smiling. “It’s our little secret, okay? Don’t tell them.”

Kuroo brought Kenma to a nearby town an hour away to sightsee and check out old structures. Kuroo shared to Kenma that it’s his dream to rehabilitate these old structures and build a house with similar designs such as these. When they were finished looking through the houses, Kuroo brought the young-in to a secluded beach to unwind. The athlete prodded the introvert to play volleyball with him for old time’s sake.

Kenma is someone who dislikes sweating, hates walking around in the heat and getting tired, but for Tets, he’s willing to disregard it and do it all. When the both of them grew tired, Kuroo informed his best friend that he made a reservation in a little restaurant he found in the nook and crannies by the bay so they could eat and watch the sunset. _Tets really planned all these just so he could make it up to me, huh?_ _This is by far my best birthday ever,_ Kenma thought to himself.

They were 5 minutes away from the restaurant when Kuroo’s phone suddenly rang. Kenma noticed his best friend’s phone going off earlier in the day actually, hearing it ping and vibrating continuously, but paid it no mind since it’s not his business anyway. “You should answer it, Tets,” Kenma offered. “It might be important. I’ll just check that stall over there so I could bring my friends a souvenir from here.”

Kuroo excused himself and walked a few steps away from Kenma and fished his phone out of his pocket. Before answering the call, he had a thought to himself and smiled. _I’m proud Kenma has made new friends. A lot has really changed, huh?_

When Kenma saw that Kuroo’s already off his phone, he walked towards him but felt that something’s wrong. He started to worry and felt acid creeping up from his stomach. _Nothing bad happened to any of our family, right?_ _If anything happened, I’m pretty sure they’d call me too. Okay, Ken, damn. Breathe,_ he convinced himself. When the midget reached Kuroo, he tapped his back and drew circles on it to calm him down like how Kuroo used to do it whenever he’s feeling anxious. “Everything okay?” Kenma inquired.

When their eyes met, Kuroo saw his best friend smiling at him with so much warmth in his eyes. He’s feeling so bad and he wants to beat himself up for doing this again, but he’s left with no choice. “Tets, if you need to cut this outing short, don’t worry. It’s okay. We’ve already had so much fun. Besides, I’ll meet my friends tonight. No need to beat yourself up over this,” the kiddo said.

 _Fuck, when did he become so mature?_ Kuroo thought. “I’m really sorry, man,” he apologised. “I’ll drop you off at your dorm. Is that okay?”

Ha, little did he know that it has always been fine for Kenma. Like he said, he’ll do everything for his best friend and that includes not making his friend feel bad over something so trivial. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There’d always be a next time. And Kenma could never say no to Kuroo anyway. After all, his busy friend spared a bit of his time just to take him out today. That’s enough for him. It has always been.

Kenma haven’t had the chance to properly thank his friend for their outing as Kuroo was in such a rush. His best friend informed him that their coach suddenly asked for a meeting to plan for their next game and that attendance is a must. When he heard this, he let Tetsurou know that he understands. He always does.

When Kenma typed in the password to get inside his shared apartment with his friend, he wasn’t expecting Shoyou to be home. “Hey, I thought you and Kuroo went out,” Sho questioned the other midget, confused. “You weren’t supposed to be back until later. Our party isn’t until 10pm, ya know? Ah, whatever. Since you’re here anyway, we can go to the club earlier than planned.”

As previously mentioned, the young-in with golden cat eyes is very introverted. He’d much rather be at home and play video games than be inside a bar that smells like sweat and smoke, but he promised Shoyou, Atsumu, Osamu and Yachi that he’d spend his birthday with them. He never promised to drink or not to be on his Nintendo Switch though. And so there he is in a club playing video games while his friends go get stupid drunk.

Kenma's friends are slowly loosening up— downing shots and dancing ridiculously. Ken's being prompted by his friends to shake off his nerves by dancing, but this is not his scene at all so he excused himself to the restroom. He confined himself in one of the stalls and let himself breathe for a little bit. The loud music is muffled inside the restroom and he actually felt grateful for it as his ears were starting to hurt. He was about to get out when he heard shuffling and loud moans from outside his stall. Kenma felt like he’d be invading their privacy if he just walks out so he made sure to only come out when he heard the stall’s lock beside him click.

He silently stepped out of the cubicle he was in to wash his hands so he could get out of there as soon as possible since he’s sure the people inside the stall is already smacking faces and are about to do something outsiders shouldn’t even know about. His hand on the handle and foot already one step out the door when he heard a familiar voice. The voice of someone he looks up to so much. The voice of someone very precious to him— someone he loves.

A deep voice unknown to him emerged from the cubicle. “How did you get outof that outing with your best friend?” the man asked, panting. It was silent for a few seconds when a moan escaped from one of them and broke the silence. “You know that kid’s in love with you right?”

Kenma almost let out a gasp but stopped himself by covering his mouth. He knows he shouldn’t even be listening to this conversation, but his feet somehow don’t want to move. He wants to run away but his body is not listening to him at all. The younger one can’t believe what he heard. Kuroo is aware of his feelings. _This is a dream, right? If it is, please somebody wake me up now,_ Kenma pleaded internally.

There’s another shuffling in the cubicle followed by a loud thud. “You know, babe,” Kuroo responded, chuckling. “The usual _coach needs me_ or _I need to study_ excuse. The kid’s pretty understanding and he knows how important those things are to me so he never suspected a thing. It’s not even our league season, but he believed it.”

 _Fuck._ That’s all Kenma could think. _Fuck._ Kenma's questioning himself if he was that obvious about his feelings towards Tetsurou or whether he’s stupid enough for not even doubting his best friend one bit. The little one wanted to scream, but his throat betrays him. Right now, he feels numb. He wanted to cry and bang his fists on the stall’s door but his feet stays put on the floor. He feels defeated as he couldn’t even do a thing.

He was brought back to his senses when he heard another sexually charged pant coming from the stall. “Why did you even take the kid out today? We could have gone to that gallery you wanted to see, bub,” the unknown man probed. “It’s not like you gave him any attention back then. Is it his birthday or something?”

“Shit,” Kuroo uttered. “I forgot. It’s actually his birthday today. Fuck.”

Kenma realising that his best friend forgot that today’s his birthday is the last straw. Kenma shouldn’t stay any longer and listen to this bullshit. The midget forced himself to walk out of there and find his friends. The kid never liked alcohol. He dislikes the taste so much, but tonight he somehow loves how the liquor is smoothly going down his throat.

Kenma's group of friends noticed that something is off with their precious kitten, and they, one by one, asked him what’s wrong. Kenma thought that maybe it’s the alcohol in his system that’s making him talkative. He actually didn’t want to bother his friends about what’s wrong at all, but he can’t seem to stop himself from pouring his heart out. When he started feeling hot tears pool in his eyes and a sob about to come out, he crashed his hands on his face. It's very unlike him to show his emotions like this. It was very unlike of AP to let his walls come crashing down, but what can he do? What he found out tonight broke him. He couldn’t believe what he heard and learnt. It’s like his colourful world was stripped off its colours.

As Kenma's retelling what happened, he started doubting himself and he’s slowly losing his grip of what is real. _Twenty five years_ , Kenma thought. All his life he thought he knew Tetsurou. He started doubting every little thing Kuroo told him and wonders if it is even real. For Kenma, nothing seems real anymore except for the fact that Kuroo played him and kept lying to him. “Why couldn’t he just say it to my face? I would’ve understood,” Kenma huffed, fingers fidgeting. “I never even wanted to be _the_ person for him. I never even wished to be. I was content of being _the_ friend. Fuck. It hurts,” he added, voice breaking.

Shoyou, Atsumu, Osamu and Yachi exchanged glances and comforted their little kitten. They never uttered a word as they know that right now, all their friend needs is someone to lean on and someone who’ll listen. His friends had a hunch that Kuroo has been lying to Kenma whenever he cancels, but they didn’t want to doubt him because their friend has so much trust in him. They thought that if Ken can trust him that much, they should too. Now they realise that they should have listened to their gut, and maybe, just maybe, their friend wouldn’t be in this situation.

Kenma Kozume's friends never left his side from the moment they went home from the club that day. They always made sure he wasn’t alone— even going to the point that they make sure their friend doesn’t go to class by himself. Of course the real reason why they do that is to keep Kenma from relapsing and also to keep their friend away from Kuroo.

As for the tall man with unruly spiky hair, he noticed that Kenma's avoiding him since that day he cancelled on him. “Hey, are you mad that I cancelled? I’m sorry. I know it was your birthday and I feel really bad. Can we hang out soon?” Kuroo texted. He saw that Kenma read the message but never responded back. He also noticed that his best friend deactivated most of his socials except for his gaming channel. But even then, the gamer hasn’t streamed at all. He wanted to know what’s going on and what's wrong with his best friend, but he doesn’t even know how to or who to ask as he has no idea who even his friends are. He also doesn’t want to ask Kenma's family as they might notice that things aren’t so good between them. “I know you’re avoiding me and I won’t force you to talk to me, but please take care of yourself. I left an apple pie in front of your door. Please eat it,” Kuroo said in his last voicemail

It has been a month since Kenma heard from Tetsurou. It has also been three months since Kenma found out about the lies and deception. Feeling courageous and brand new, Kenma decided that it’s been way too long to still keep this up. _It’s time I face this head on,_ Kenma told himself. And so he went home. By the time he was finished doing whatever he intended to do, he messaged Kuroo informing him that whatever he’s curious about, the answer will be in their childhood playground.

Once Kuroo received that message from his best friend, he dropped everything he was doing at that time and drowned out everyone calling and running after him. At that moment, he just wanted to know why his best friend shut him out of his life. _Not that he was innocent at all,_ he thought to himself. When he arrived in front of their house, he hurriedly went to the treehouse that both of them built and climbed up. The youngest of the Kuroo’s was expecting to see the whole place trashed, but he saw their safe space clean and dusted. Kuroo Tetsurou standing inside their private place reminded him so much memories of their childhood.

On top of Kenma's favourite bean bag sits a letter addressed to him. He doesn’t even know why he’s feeling nervous, but he picked it up and traced the delicate and careful lettering of his name.

_“Hi, Tets,_

_It’s Kenma. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, huh? Not just the past few months I avoided you. You know, I’m talking about things in general. I realised that it’s been way too long since we’ve talked and hung out, but I understand and already accepted that we’ll never be the same anymore. To be honest, we’ve never been the same since that day we held hands. Do you still remember that? It was before your high school graduation and we were cruising in our bikes near the river when my bicycle broke down. You wanted me to ride in yours but we couldn’t fit so you just walked with me… with the back of our hands brushing against each other. I built up so much courage to do what I did next, Tets, when I intertwined my fingers into yours. After we went home that night, you became so busy and barely had no time to hung out with me. I was so confused during those times but I tried my best to understand you. I always did. Always have been, but I guess I know the answer now. It’s all clear to me now, Tets. I was so into my own misery and confusion that I forgot how you reacted that day, b_ _ut it all came back to me._

_I remembered how you stiffened when I did that. I forgot how your eyebrows would clash whenever I utter some words of affection. I forgot how you always run away from me when I look at you with so much adoration. I want to apologise if my feelings made you uncomfortable, Tets. I didn’t realise how much it bothered you. Please know that I didn’t mean to. You’re probably wondering how I found out you knew. Well, that’s the thing, T. You should have told me you knew or you should have put me in my place— rejected me even. Avoiding me and making up fake excuses, using your studies and orgs just made everything worse. Because that even made me feel more strongly about you because I thought you were so focused on your studies and sports obligation. I really loved that about you, you know? But boy, was I wrong._

_I’m not blaming you though. It’s my fault anyway. I put you on a pedestal, Tets. I created a version of you in my head and fell in love with it. I admired you for pursuing your dreams despite everything. I fell in love because I saw how dedicated, relentless and resilient you were. You were already someone I look up to, but with what I believed was true, I fell deeper. But you know what, Tets? It wasn’t you. It wasn’t the real you. It’s all on me, I admit. I did this to myself because I thought you were somebody else. You were someone else in my head. Haha._

_I know I still haven’t answered the question you’ve been dying to know the answer to. How did I know? Tets, I was there. That day you cancelled on me. That night. On my birthday, in that club. In the same restroom. I heard everything, T. Don’t feel bad though. It’s all on me. I actually can’t hold that against you. Hindi naman kasalanan mag-mahal at nag-mahal ka lang. Yun nga lang, sana nag-sabi ka agad at hindi nag-tago para hindi sana tayo, ako, umabot sa ganito. But it’s okay. No worries. I’ll be okay._

_I’ll always be supporting you. I will always root for you. I know you can reach your dreams. As much as I want to be there beside you every step of the way, hanggang dito nalang, Kuroo. Don’t worry, I will always be watching you even from afar, but I don’t wanna love you anymore._

_Kenma.”_

“Fuck,” Kuroo breathed out, shaking his head. “This is not how it’s supposed to go. Fuck. I fucked up.” Kuroo balled his fists and slammed it on the treehouse’s flooring, his frustration evident in every breath. “Bakit kasi ang duwag mo, Kuroo?”

Kuroo Tetsurou lied on his back, silently watching as clouds pass by. “I’m sorry, Ken. I really am. I didn’t know that by running away from how I felt, I’d end up hurting you. That day you held my hands, I stiffened because I was shocked, not because I was disgusted. Naduwag ako eh kaya ako lumayo. Pakiramdam ko kasi mali na mahalin ka nang ganon. Lumaki kasi tayo ng sabay hindi ba? I kept beating myself up over it— for having those kind of thoughts towards you. It felt so wrong because you’re like a brother to me and you’re so innocent. Hindi ko alam na dahil sa mga ginagawa ko na paghahanap sa’yo sa ibang tao, mas masasaktan ka. Pasensiya ka na talaga. Mahal kita, Ken. Sadyang tanga lang ako. Sana kung may mababalikan ako, babalik ako kapag may napatunayan na ako. Pwede rin namang hanggang susunod na buhay nalang ulit,” he said to no one, hoping it reaches the clouds and that his best friend could hear. He knows it’s impossible though, but he has nothing to lose anyway.

“Dum Spiro Spero, Kenken,” Kuroo promised. “While I Breathe, I hope.”


End file.
